Trade Secrets
Dear Dora,
What, in your experience, does it take to become a top class agony aunt?As a top class agony Guru, I spend a lot of my time, up my Pole, wondering why people ask such stupid questions, and my cuddly-toy Snake Luke, my spirit guide, told me you often feel the same. What do you do when people ask you stupid questions? I try to fob them off with some metaphysical nonsense but the average pilgrim just doesn’t have the attention span for that kind of thing. It’s all instant-food, instant-coffee and instant enlightenment for the modern seeker.
How do you cope?
The Freelance Guru
Dear Guru,
I knew you would come knocking at my door asking for trade secrets before it was all said and done. A little birdie told me. Everyone wants to get into the act. But this job isn’t the “piece of cake” you envisioned, is it, Enlightened One. Let me tell you something, young man, many are called but few are chosen. It isn’t easy dispensing wisdom to the masses!
What in thunder are you doing on top of a pole?
No, on second thought, don’t tell me, I don’t think my delicate sensibilities could handle the answer. On a pole? To what “class” do you refer—gym? And, what is this “agony aunt?” Obviously, it’s some obscure British reference. How quaint.
I’m reluctant to tell you this, but men have a more difficult time being advice columnists. Most men spend far too much time listening to their snakes! I will admit, however, that you show some promise, so I’ll do what I can to help you. Besides, you amuse me.
Remember that people who write to you don’t really want advice. They just want to see their names and links to themselves on the internet…
…don’t they, Freelance Guru?
I can’t give you an “instant” answer to this one. If you want to be a first class “agony aunt,” remember the words of William Arthur Ward: “A second-class effort is a first-class mistake.” To be at the top of the game, stop listening to your snake! Listen to your readers. Sure, they have some of the most ridiculous questions you can imagine. But, always give them the best ludicrous answer you have to offer, as paltry as that may be. With perseverance, and more experience, your skills will increase exponentially.
My sister Ann said, “Class is the sure-footedness that comes with having proved you can meet life.” Hah! That shows how little she knew. You are a Brit, therefore you know that “class” is something with which one is born. For some of us, “class” oozes from every pore. Hold your pinkie finger high, young man.
How do I cope? A martini in one of these fabulous glasses from Swank does wonders for one’s coping skills.
Kiss, kiss
