Dear Dora

Dear Dora,
I have a real problem. Well, actually, my teenage daughter does. She has such a beautiful little button nose—but she always has her finger up it. I’m ashamed to admit that my daughter is a “booger flicker.” Slime is everywhere!

She flicks them on the floor of my car and on the carpet. You can’t walk through the house barefoot without feeling the crunch of those boogers under your feet. She wipes them on the couch and underneath the cabinets. Ick!

I don’t know what to do! I’ve tried everything, I even made her eat them, and nothing stops her. Help!
Signed
It’s Not Working!

Dear ‘Snot Working,

It would be trite to ask if button noses run in your family, wouldn’t it? That’s just easy picking, so to speak.

Somethings is deviated here, and I don’t think it’s that poor girl’s septum! You made her what? Oh my. You do have a problem, and I’m not sure it’s your daughter!

This is a dilemma, because it is terribly hard to reform a booger flicker. You say you have tried everything, have you really? Did you make her miss her prom to clean up her own mess? Did you take out a full page ad in your local newspaper, so that all her friends would know?

Wait. That last one might not be such a fine idea. If people know her disgusting little secrets you might never get rid of her. She will never find a mate to put up with her gross actions, and you will be dealing with the snot for the rest of your natural born days.

But, then, Britney found a mate (or two or five), didn’t she? She has some pretty gross actions of her own! There is no accounting for taste.

I’ll tell you a secret remedy that my sainted mother used on my sister, Abby. “Dear” Abby was a booger flicker, too, did you know that? She was! She was a thoroughly disgusting young woman, not so dear at all, in fact. But that’s a story for another time. Mother dipped Abby’s dainty little paws in horseradish. Oh, what fun that was to see! The next time Abby put her finger in her nose THAT cleared her sinuses!

You see, perhaps the problem is too much mucous in the first place. It’s possible that your darling daughter has allergies. Approach the problem from the source. There is a wonderful, though not very appealing, remedy to help her get the sinuses cleared. Show her this video of nasal lavage, and tell her it will become a daily routine if she doesn’t stop picking and flicking. It will kill her or cure her.

If all else fails, I told you about duct tape, didn’t I? It has another use: Wrap her mitts in it, and she won’t be able to get her fingers up that adorable nose.

And remember, you can pick your friends, and you can pick your nose, but you can’t pick your friend’s nose.

Kiss, Kiss

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